US (dir. Joel Schumacher)
Cast: Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Dianne Wiest, Barnard Hughes, Edward Herrmann, Kiefer Sutherland, Jami Gertz, Corey Feldman, Jamison Newlander, Brooke McCarter Jr., Billy Wirth, Alex Winter, Chance Michael Corbitt, Melanie Bishop, Kelly Jo Minter, Jim Turner, J. Dinan Myrtetus, Nori Morgan
Synopsis: A group of teenage vampires attempts to recruit a new member who is not quite so certain about the trouble he is getting into.
Review: Is it just me, or does “The Lost Boys” fucking blow? I’ve had countless people recommend this movie to me, and I’ve even been acquainted with a few die hard fans who absolutely swear to this movie’s awesomeness. However, after finally suffering through it, eagerly awaiting its end with bated breath watching it, I found it to be absolutely dreadful dreck. I can’t even fathom how this movie has garnered such an intense following. What the hell is so good about it that it inspires so many fan clubs and repeated viewings? Someone please explain!
“The Lost Boys” is a giant smorgasbord of cheese courtesy of noted cheese connoisseur, Joel Schumacher, whose films are pretty much all cheddar… or mozzerella: “Batman & Robin”, “Bad Company”, “The Phantom of the Opera”, and oh, how the list goes on and on. This isn’t even one of those “it’s so bad, it’s good films”, like “Silent Nigh Deadly Night, Part 2” or “Sleepaway Camp”. It’s essentially so bad, that it went from being so bad it’s good to just plain bad. The acting is lame, the story (wait, what story?) is lame, there isn’t really a climax or a central “point” to the movie, and my god is that 1980s influence ever rampant, to the point where it’s just like, “please, no more!”. Can you really take a movie that features this seriously?
Oiled up saxophone players with bad 80s hair aside, the movie is supremely dated. The clothes are god awful for one, and the entire vibe of the film makes it so cemented in the mid-to-late 1980s that watching it in 2010 is painful because virtually the worst aspects of 1980s culture are on display. Oh, and of course, this being an 80s flick, Corey Feldmen and Corey Haim are in it. Now while I don’t care too much for Haim, Feldmen has a special importance to me as he was in two “Friday the 13th” films as recurring character, Tommy Jarvis. However, in “The Lost Boys”, his performance as a tween, Rambo-style vampire slayer was every bit as ridiculous and unnecessary as it was laughable. I was embarrassed just watching it, because I know he’s better than that.
He’s just so cornball in this movie that watching any scene with him is literally nauseating and I cannot even begin to count the number of times my finger lingered over the fast forward button on the remote during any scene where he puts on a Rambo voice and gets all militant. Yuck.
The vampires in the movie are no better, either. They ride around town on their motorcycles and stir shit up on the motherfucking amusement park merry-go-round (hardcore!). They also dress like pansies with their mullets and flowing locks, giving vampires a worse reputation than even “Twilight” could manage. Besides Keifer Sutherland’s vampire character, David, I don’t recall any of the other vampire characters being even given names. They essentially fill in the scenes (literally) with their big wavy hair and serve no other purpose than being filler.
I also was getting a really strong homoerotic vibe when watching this movie, not that that’s a bad thing, but it was just so obvious, especially in parts with David and Michael (the new recruit). Even David’s younger brother had somewhat of a questionable sexuality. I mean, posters of Rob Lowe touching himself in his bedroom? Singing with a falsetto voice in the bathtub? His colourful, mildly flamboyant clothes? Geez…
And does Gerard McMann’s “Cry Little Sister” have to play every fucking 15 minutes or so? It’s played over the opening credits, when Michael drinks blood for the first time, when Michael and Star make sweet sweet vampire love, and even a snippet of it plays when David dies. It’s almost like they ran out of scenes to shove the track into. By the end of this movie, I couldn’t get that stupid song out of my head.
Even if I watched “The Lost Boys” once more, or maybe even a couple more times, I’m 100% certain I still wouldn’t be able to grasp its cult-like popularity. This movie suuuuuucks! I could barely sit through this movie the first time I watched it, nevermind a repeat viewing. I can’t believe there are people out there who watch it over and over again. The only reason to watch this garbage is to at least nod when someone mentions “The Lost Boys” in a coversation, or to understand any jokes related to it when it gets parodied.