US (Dir. Stewart Hendler)
Cast: Briana Evigan, Leah Pipes, Rumer Willis, Jamie Chung, Audrina Patridge, Margo Harshman, Carrie Fisher, Julian Morris, Matt Lanter, Caroline D’Amore
Synopsis: When five sorority girls inadvertently cause the murder of one of their sisters in a prank gone wrong, they agree to keep the matter to themselves and never speak of it again, so they can get on with their lives. This proves easier said than done, when after graduation a mysterious killer goes after the five of them and anyone who knows their secret.
Review: The remake of “The House on Sorority Row” is simply titled “Sorority Row” and, much like its new name, this remake is missing something – and I’m fairly confident that something is quality. I’ve seen a lot of shitty remakes, and God knows I’ll probably live to see Hollywood churn out a few more, but this one really takes the fucking cake in terms of being absolutely crappy. Besides deviating almost completely from the source material, boasting a ridiculously “disguised” killer (with an even stupider motive), offering too many red herrings, featuring a harem of surgically enhanced sluts, and an eye-roller of an ending, this film offer absolutely nothing to the audience. There’s no fun throwbacks to the original, no throwbacks to classic slashers, and nothing at all about it that makes it fun, scary, original or even worth seeing. Also, it’s not even in 3D. Sucks.
Now while the original, “The House on Sorority Row”, wasn’t exactly an epic horror film, or even a greatly memorable one, it had a decent plot and an interesting killer (dressed as a jester/clown!) with a reasonable motive. Also the ladies were more respectable and believable than the over-sexed harlots from “Sorority Row” who talk like football players in a locker room and look, and dress, like prostitutes. The original also had some really cool surrealistic moments and the presence of a Dr. Loomis type figure (only evil). This film is essentially the equivalent of the “Prom Night” remake… a pointless money grab that has little or nothing to do with the original film or its source material. In fact, “Sorority Row” has so little in common with its source film that I am bewildered as to why they (writers/producers/director etc.) even would consider embarrassing themselves by calling this a remake when it simply isn’t. It couldn’t even really be called a re-imagining because there’s nothing really imaginative about it, unless you consider parading a bunch of girls around wearing lingerie using your imagination (hint: it’s not). And yes, I realize the original film had gratuitous amounts of scantily clad women, but they were more hardcore than the prissy sluts of “Sorority Row”.
The movie starts off like a crappier “I Know What You Did Last Summer” with all the requisite “Oh noes! I have a future! I can’t go to jail for *INSERT TERRIBLE CRIME HERE*” coming from all parties involved in the mishap, which in this case is a prank gone wrong (much like the original) where a girl is accidentally murdered in what was supposed to be… well… just a prank. To refresh your memory, or if you haven’t yet seen it (which you should!), the original film “The House on Sorority Row” involves the pranking of the sorority house “mom” by using a gun loaded with rubber bullets to “persuade” her into taking a dip into an algae infested pool (it was a revenge prank – the house mother was a cock-blocking bitch). In the remake, there’s a terribly vague back story where the Audrina Patridge’s character’s boyfriend is allegedly cheating on her. I say vague because they spend maybe 10 seconds discussing it before initiating their prank, and this all happens within the first 5-10 minutes of the film starting! These bitches don’t waste time!
This is essentially where the movie stops having anything to do with the original, except for the appearance of the house mother’s cane as a weapon later on. Otherwise, this film just wanders off in its own little direction.
The prank itself is entirely lame; I mean all the girls do is fake the death of one of their friends and convince the boyfriend that she is indeed dead. Then of course, it backfires, because the boyfriend is so convinced the girl is dead, he immediately starts dismembering her body in an attempt to hide it when they get to a dump site, the old abandoned mine shaft on the outskirts of town (LOL). What a gentleman. What a retard too, he doesn’t even once check if she has a heartbeat, which I’m sure she obviously couldn’t hide that unless she held her breath for 30 minutes or more, and you’d definitely see her enhanced bosom swelling every time she took a breath. I mean, come on, is this guy really that dumb? Then of course comes the “Oh noes I have a future!” part where everyone realizes the prank has backfired and they may end up in prison for the rest of their lives. With some clever manipulations and threats of blackmail, the lead sorority sister (and the token house bitch) convinces everyone to keep mum about the incident and the body is swiftly disposed of. Of course the girls do this all while wearing the most revealing lingerie you can imagine girls would be wearing during the dumping of a body in the middle of the night in what I’m assuming is the Northeastern United States.
One year later, everyone has pretty much moved on with their lives and the girls are preparing for their graduation and leaving the sorority, and all their fond sisterly memories of dumping bodies and calling each other bitches and sluts, behind. The girls have new men in their lives, except for the requisite ugly/nerdy girl, played by Rumer – I’m Desperate for Work in Hollywood – Willis, and the colourful house doormat named Chugs, likely named due to her penchant for chugging both alcohol and semen. Megan is presumed to be simply missing, and her younger sister mysteriously shows up at the sorority house expressing her will to pledge as soon as possible. Additonally, there’s the huge going away/graduation party to plan and execute, and this is pretty much the central focus of the movie, as it was in the original. The killer shows up and starts offing random people, mostly people seeming unrelated to Megan’s death (the girls of course assume the killer is targeting them). When we find out who the real killer is, after sifting through an endless parade of red herrings, the motive behind killing random people becomes more clear.
There’s nothing much to be said about the killings. None of them are spectacular, except when Chugs gets a beer bottle rammed down her throat (irony!) The killer’s costume is lame (it’s a fucking graduation gown, hardly an improvement from the absolutely disturbing clown costume from the original film) and his weapon is meh (a tire iron with blades or something?). What’s worse is he acts like such a bitch during the big final showdown and is easily vanquished, only to mysteriously reappear at the end of the film (confusing, because his reappearance isn’t at all consistent with his motive, hint: his motive is not revenge). After the surviving girls beat the bad guy, they do a slow motion walk away from the exploding/on fire sorority house that looks just as lame as it sounds right now.
There’s no conclusion or wrap-up at all in the end of this cinematic abortion. There’s just a montage of stereotypical college activities and an inexplicable close-up of a pair of breasts under a white t-shirt getting soaked by a water balloon (???). Basically everything that made “The House on Sorority Row” entertaining is avoided in this film and substituted with general smuttiness. It’s nice to see an old slasher getting a reboot every now and then, but when the reboot is this bad it’s just not worth it. Do not watch this film, I implore you to check out the original instead. You’ll thank me later.